welcome to my twisted world...

Things have been moving in a kind of daze this past few days... i know that everyone must try to live up to this fast-paced world and i have learned to play the sad and cruel game of this world but somewhere along the play i got lost... i may never have been able to figure out how and why things turned out the way they did but in this surreal world,
what is true?
what is real?
with all the questions in my head and the doubts i've been carrying in my heart since the beginning of forever, will i ever get answers? will i be able to trust the world again and pretend that things will be just like before? why can't things be as simple and as ordinary as to the eye of an innocent child?
why is there hurt?
why is there sadness?
why is there pain?

maybe...

its for us to be able to appreciate life, beauty, happiness and love more... for us to understand and realize that this things aren't freely given that's why we must value it, for we will never know the iportance of these things unless its out of our hands...

Life....Why do we live? Do we live for something? Do we live to eat? Or do we eat to live? Life has a very deep meaning, like love. It should be taken care of, each and every one of us has a purpose.... maybe that's why we live. But does it mean that if we're done with our purpose we are useless??? No one really knows...... But HIM...... Life is very precious... It's one of the things MONEY can't buy. You are lucky. Look... If today your life is such a sucker, you're still lucky, Why? You are lucky because you are human. You're not an ant who gets crushed around nor a cockroach who is being disgusted. See? Life is not that bad... If you will only look on the brighter side... So from now on, THINK. Make the best out of anything you can do. Strive hard. Who knows? maybe you'll be a grasshopper or a fly in your next life...Woohoo!! Inspiring, right?

till the next post of this twisted mind in her twisted world...

ciao!

people always say that "life is short so live it well..." at first, you would want to believe but shit happens and you knew that life will never be the same... maybe it's my perspective but i always thought that after the rain, there's always a rainbow but lately, all i've been experiencing are the "rains" and even "storms" at times...

but then again...

these things are what made me who i am today, a strong person... and somehow, i could still stand firm and manage to tell everybody that " I CAN..." at the end of the day, i know i could still find my way home...

i have long accepted the fact that when your professional life moves in, your social life goes flying out of the window... with a twist! but i still can't believe it could turn out this bad... hell! am going nuts already... it's like am dragging the days so it'll be over and come weekend when i could be with my "twisted other half" but then again, it's like some routine where you would just spend time with him and do the same things over and over... its so pathetic already... and as for my "so called bestfriend" who went out last Saturday night without even a "short notice" since all night i've been kinda pestered by "his" monster... but then again,
he chose to be in other people's company, so be it... life... full of drudgery...

i've no excuse for this long ignored update but nonetheless i still wanna make it up... i just celebrated my birthday and my "first half" really tried his best to make it extra special... i don't exactly know how he figured it out that i have a thing for flowers... not that am the type who'd go mushy over flowers but i guess being in a two-year relationship with him made things so tedious already and popping out infront of our office with a bunch of flowers in my favorite color really counts for me... i've been telling him that im kinda enjoying the OPM scene right now and there he was, with the cd of Nina in his other hand...and a lot of unexpected surprises followed...
i can't seem to justify to myself why he's being romantic, or so i may say, "too romantic" to me this past few days... maybe, he got to realize my value or he might be feeling a little insecure of all the guys, specially some of my ex's who's been making pacute recently... i don't know how you would call or maybe there really is a time of the year where, all of a sudden, your past boyfriends have been making contacts again... im unoffially calling it "THE EX-BOYFRIEND MAKING CONTACT TIME OF THE YEAR"hehehe... *LOL that may be the reason why he's being all sappy and mushy over me celebrating my birthday and making it really special, inclusive of the "performance of the year level" kind of thing...*wink

Or maybe...
he has finally come to his senses and started to give more value our relationship... too afraid to say it out loud and so he's just showing it tru his acts... pity him, after two years of being in a relationship, he's still so clueless on how to go around making me feel special but i guess he got on his target perfectly coz he surely made my ryes brim with tears... hehehe...drama queen...*wink

ciao!

Last Sunday, i was on my way home when this funny thing happened. I saw an old friend and he commented i still looked so "wholesome" and "innocent"... i know, i was as surprised as you are... when the shock wore off, i was like, What the F@?*#?!? what was he thinking???!! anyhow, as much as i project this "wholesome" image, i figure it won't last very long... i've been carrying this baggage of burden since the beginning of forever... and just like jen said, when it rains, it pours... not in a positive manner but lately, all that's been happening to me are the not so good ones... i dont know when it'll ever gonna stop... all the pain... all the longingness which i know will never be filled-up... i know things will never happen my way... and yes, i know, winning him really is out of the question now because i knew i already lost even when the fight hasn't began... it pains to be so inlove with a person yet you know you will never have him fully for yourself and yours alone... i know that he is trying his very best to reciprocate my love but still, it is never enough... painfully odd as it is, i am starting to accpet things as they are... i think i've gone blind... or numb for that matter.. i never want to think of the pain anymore nor the consequences of our acts... as long as we know that we have each other, it's enough for us to hang on...

Yet another week, and yet another pitiful excuse for a long-ignored update. To make a rather long and undoubtedly boring story short, I've been feeling depressed again... Though there are times which you can choose when you wanna feel depressed and all that, this time, however, is not by my own choice, which is upsetting, but I suppose one really can never know what is going on in someone else's head... last night, i was really feeling down, like am kinda getting a flu or something then i asked my "first half" to call me since earlier, he almost ruined my day by calling me someone else's name... (as in, terms of endearment) he then reaches his destination, i was asking him if he's still gonna call, he said yes then i waited and waited and waited but the phone never made a sound... i was like worried already and it took him almost forever before answering my text with a sorry but the store where i used to called is already closed... just like that... like no effort of making me feel as if he was really sorry he won't be able to call me... he added, i'll just text you tomorrow... i was like, hey, its your off tomorrow?! then he said... yeah i remeber, sorry can't do anything about it, gotta go home now... just like that, no goodnight, no i love you, no nothing.... he went home, JUST LIKE THAT! goddammit!!! it was like a silent blow on the pit of my stomach... i felt like shouting but no voice came out from my mouth, instead i felt a stream of tears flowing down my face... i was so mad at him... just the other day i was like being so proud of him and now this is what he's gonna do to me?! i so love to commit suicide right now...

if you can't judge a book by its cover, by what can you? Naturally, I'm not talking about books here. I'm talking about men. i actually can't figure it out, even up to now, why men, in nature and generally speaking, can be so naive and insensitive?!

don't know what else i could do here....

and my "second half" was like thousand of miles away from me... shit! this has got to stop!

ciao!