welcome to my twisted world...

Last Sunday, i was on my way home when this funny thing happened. I saw an old friend and he commented i still looked so "wholesome" and "innocent"... i know, i was as surprised as you are... when the shock wore off, i was like, What the F@?*#?!? what was he thinking???!! anyhow, as much as i project this "wholesome" image, i figure it won't last very long... i've been carrying this baggage of burden since the beginning of forever... and just like jen said, when it rains, it pours... not in a positive manner but lately, all that's been happening to me are the not so good ones... i dont know when it'll ever gonna stop... all the pain... all the longingness which i know will never be filled-up... i know things will never happen my way... and yes, i know, winning him really is out of the question now because i knew i already lost even when the fight hasn't began... it pains to be so inlove with a person yet you know you will never have him fully for yourself and yours alone... i know that he is trying his very best to reciprocate my love but still, it is never enough... painfully odd as it is, i am starting to accpet things as they are... i think i've gone blind... or numb for that matter.. i never want to think of the pain anymore nor the consequences of our acts... as long as we know that we have each other, it's enough for us to hang on...

Yet another week, and yet another pitiful excuse for a long-ignored update. To make a rather long and undoubtedly boring story short, I've been feeling depressed again... Though there are times which you can choose when you wanna feel depressed and all that, this time, however, is not by my own choice, which is upsetting, but I suppose one really can never know what is going on in someone else's head... last night, i was really feeling down, like am kinda getting a flu or something then i asked my "first half" to call me since earlier, he almost ruined my day by calling me someone else's name... (as in, terms of endearment) he then reaches his destination, i was asking him if he's still gonna call, he said yes then i waited and waited and waited but the phone never made a sound... i was like worried already and it took him almost forever before answering my text with a sorry but the store where i used to called is already closed... just like that... like no effort of making me feel as if he was really sorry he won't be able to call me... he added, i'll just text you tomorrow... i was like, hey, its your off tomorrow?! then he said... yeah i remeber, sorry can't do anything about it, gotta go home now... just like that, no goodnight, no i love you, no nothing.... he went home, JUST LIKE THAT! goddammit!!! it was like a silent blow on the pit of my stomach... i felt like shouting but no voice came out from my mouth, instead i felt a stream of tears flowing down my face... i was so mad at him... just the other day i was like being so proud of him and now this is what he's gonna do to me?! i so love to commit suicide right now...

if you can't judge a book by its cover, by what can you? Naturally, I'm not talking about books here. I'm talking about men. i actually can't figure it out, even up to now, why men, in nature and generally speaking, can be so naive and insensitive?!

don't know what else i could do here....

and my "second half" was like thousand of miles away from me... shit! this has got to stop!

ciao!

One incident during my date really with my first half caught my full attention and made my heart melt... I was wearing a thin red shirt with a not so plunging neckline and jeans and i fixed my hair in pigtail style and wore my sunglasses over my head that day... After watching the movie, i went to the comfort room and try to retouch my self (no, im not wearing make-up at that time) As usual, you will see the guys standing outside the female's comfort room waiting for their girlfriends and at that moment, he was one of those guys... when i went out, he looked at me as if he's never seen me before... he reached out for my hand before i could actually give him my things... i was taken aback by his sudden moves, as he hold my hand, he wrapped it at his back (in a hugging position) and he whispered in my ears... wow... ang ganda naman ng baby ko... i was actually surprised by his unexpected comment.. it's not as if he's not appreciating me everytime but it's more like his public gesture that surprised me since he's the type of guy who's not very showy about his affection when it comes to public... he later told me that when i went out of the comfort room, two of the guys who were also waiting for their girlfriends took a good look at me and when i reached out for him, he felt as if he needs to show off that, Man, that's my girl... i was like, ARE YOU REALLY MY BOYFRIEND? but i really do find it cute and sweet all at the same time... i know its a cliche' but its in the small things that we found aprreciation, right?

feeling depressed??? yeah... that's exactly what im feeling right now... i know i should not but it is what my heart is actually feeling at the moment... i know that im a very unfair person, loving two men at the same time? i've no right to be feeling depressed, after all, im the one who's been doing and inflicting the damage myself... i know i could just drop everything from here, you know... just pretend as if nothing has ever happened and everything will be back to its usual phase but what goes inside my head and heart is whats troubling me the most... i cant help but feel sorry for myself... and for all the things i "should have" done a long time ago... i know that regrets are not in my vocabulary but it is starting to surface and im feeling every sense of it... damn! can't just anybody stop me from falling apart??? i feel like a loser here already even the war hasn't started yet...

till my next twisted post about my twisted world...

ciao!

assuming that all people could read their partner's mind... boy, am i in big trouble! last wednesday night, i went to my "other guy's" house.. his family welcomed me as if i was part of their family already... looking at us, we were like the ideal couple eerybody wants to have... but little did anybody know that right behind those sweet smiles lies a blatant lie... a lie that could ruin me... and us for that matter... he was willing to give me his world but i cant give him mine... because mine belongs to another and his world belongs to somebody else... damn! why can't life be uncomplicated??? is there anyone out there who could free me from this mysery??? loving two person could really ruin you, right down to your very soul... hhhmmm.... my "guy" and i will be watching fantastic four tomorrow at gate way... can't wait to be with him...


till my next post with my twisted life...

ciao!

as my header says, welcome to my twisted world... twisted it is, in every sense of the word... caught up in a realtionship where you could never leave but u can never have as well... loving somebody who claims you are his own yet very much owned by somebody else... and loving yet another person who's willing to give his whole world just for you yet you don't have to guts to do the same for that person... twisted life... twited mind... WELCOME TO MY TWISTED WORLD...